Purposeful Work

When stumbling upon this blog post in the wee hours of the morning as I nursed my daughter, I initially thought, “I must be sleep-reading because this is absolutely backwards and seething with presumptuous, misogynistic undertones.” But, I kept on reading and, much to my chagrin, it was no joke. I sit here even now, several hours later, on the verge of becoming physically ill at reading and re-reading this posting. So, akin to a slow-emerging, piping hot magma just seconds from its eruption point... I must vent!

As a new mother of two precious 5-month-old twin girls, and about 90 days into my stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) status, I am drawn to these “mommy” blogs and tend to easily disregard opinions that I may not find resonate with my family and our existence. But, this, this is a doozy and I truly hurt inside for mothers who feel they should take this advice to heart to be a spectacular mother let alone beautiful, loved, or even adored wife. The blog is called “Pint-sized Treasures: Celebrating Motherhood and Its Treasures” and the article itself is “7 Ways to Thrive as a Stay-At-Home Mom.” And, coincidently, this article was posted the very week that I, indeed, did become a SAHM to my twin girls.

So, let’s get right down to it!

Starting out in typical mommy-blog fashion, this blogger begins by presenting a common “problem” that many SAHMs may face. In this case the “problem,” as it were, that is being addressed is not thriving in the sense that you are grubby and unkempt for your husband (because, naturally, every SAHM must be married, and more so to a man, right?!). The blogger asks the reader, “Are you still in your jammies at noon? Has it been weeks since you shaved your legs?,”, she then explains, “No man likes coming home from work and seeing his wife in her sweats and baby goo on her shirt.” Backing this up by paraphrasing a reader’s (quite unexceptional) husband grumbling that “my wife use to be a stay-at-home. But, I got tired of coming home and seeing her without her hair fixed, make-up on and she was still in her pajamas. I like her working outside the home because she gets dressed and seems to have purpose in her life.” PURPOSE IN HER LIFE?!?! I would wager to assume that raising her child(ren) was considered very purposeful work, to her at least!

What the blogger considers to be purposeful (now, brace yourselves) work for a SAHM is for the partner/ mother in question to maintain: a “clean and tidy home, home-cooked meals, [a] kind, sweet [attitude], clean and folded laundry, undivided attention (I assume that means to her partner), and hospitality.” Now, that’s all good and fine, just so long as she make it clear that it is her opinion and not a, as she states, “sad, but true” provisions that some SAHMs “do not provide” that for their “man.” I am shuddering as I type this. In no part of this list, let alone post itself, is there a mention of abandoning these “duties” to shower your children with affection, sing with them (or to them in my case), dance with them, snuggle them in your ever-loving embrace, just have fun with them and enjoy this fleeting time in their and your existence! That, in my opinion, is perhaps some of the most purposeful work a human can do. Mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers, neighbors, anyone should set that example, not one of a June Cleaver archetype perpetuated in a pre-women’s liberation era that we should not soon thrive to return to!

Her advice (in the form of seven easy-to-follow actions) to reaching this echelon of purposeful mommy work is to: “Wake up early, get dressed to your shoes, wear an apron (I’m not kidding folks), schedule a break, get out once a week, don’t stay away from home, and stick to a routine or schedule.” Now, some of these suggestions are, at least what I would consider to be, more-or-less obvious and redundant, as far as parenting “advice” goes. For instance, I could not fathom what it would be like to have six children, as this blogger does, and not have some semblance of a regular routine, or break in the middle of the day (during nap time, as she says she does). I even would go so far as to admit that waking up early may, sure, be a sound recommendation for mothers that want to “get a head start,” as she puts it, on their day. I’m not even offended (saddened, not offended) by her suggestion of not taking her children out of the house but once a week, coupled with staying home the rest of the week (because, she is “think[ing] about [her] munchkins too. They need to experience life outside the home as well.” How very thoughtful!). What does, however, really set me on edge is the advice to “get dressed to your shoes,” and (I still can’t believe this isn’t a joke) “wear an apron.” As the blogger explains, “getting dressed to your shoes motivates you to work faster, stay perky and handle each task with a more professional attitude,” and, wearing an apron “will get you in the sweet spirit and busy-mom mind-set. Aprons seem to scream, ‘I need to clean or cook!’ So throw on an apron and get to it!” As I expressed, my definition of purposeful work as a SAHM has much more to do with cultivating a spirit of love and education for my daughters than it does with cultivating “perkiness” or a “professional attitude” (within my home?!) or, dear Lord, a mind-set that screams “I need to clean or cook!” I am proud of my home, as well as proud and very fortunate to be a SAHM, but, I will not devote my energy to setting a damaging example for my daughters that mothers are meant to “throw on an apron... and get to it!”

What credentials, exactly, does this blogger consider to be adequate to give this narrow-minded advice, you might ask? Well (get this!), “many moons ago,” as she puts it, she “gleaned wisdom” from a three-year attendance/ participation in two separate “ladies groups” in which women  “in the [Christian] ministry” would share grains of wisdom and encouragement within their homes. I won’t go into how innately one-sided and distorted this way of thinking is. But, it is through these “ladies groups” discussions that this blogger feels she is equipped to share her vast knowledge of how to thrive as a stay-at-home mother. What. A. Joke.

This post concludes by asking the reader, “remember in Proverbs 31 where it mentions the woman we all desire to be? What does God say about her?” asserting that, “she looketh well on the way of the household.” I took a look myself at f this 31-verse chapter of Proverbs of which the blogger extracted and apparently based her thesis of this post, and it also says, “[the woman] seeks wool and flax... she considers a field and buys it.” I’m not sure about many of you SAHMs out there, but I certainly do not seek wool and flax for my family, nor do I consider a field to purchase and do so. We extract and interpret what resonates for us, and, in taking a deeper look at this biblical passage (which is not something I am necessarily accustomed to) what resonates with me as a mother is, “she dresses herself with strength... [and] strength and dignity are her clothing,” certainly not shoes or an apron.

After writing this, I do feel better. It did take me a couple days, as I took numerous breaks to change diapers, cook barefoot, sleep (a little), did a bit of laundry and, sure, clean up a bit. But, mostly, especially with this post in the back of my mind, I took the time to love on my babies, contemplate the strong, thoughtful women that they are going to be, and truly be grateful for the strong women (and men, for that matter) that envelop them with unconditional support and love. I took the time to dance with my husband, to thank him for adoring and appreciating the work I do, whether or not that entails me sprucing myself up, or being “perky” all the time. While there are many digressions I could take regarding this particular post, I think I have said my peace.

Whew!

*takes deep breath*

Okay, now I’ve got that off my chest. While I would perhaps dissuade this mother for certain aforementioned advisory choices, I also would be remiss to not give her accolades for raising six healthy children. It did get me thinking and I do appreciate that. So now I want to know, especially as a new mother, what do you consider purposeful work? What expectations should be held for SAHMs and, more so,  what expectations do SAHMs have for themselves? Is strength and dignity in motherhood synonymous with the tying up of laces and aprons? Am I asking too much of my family and myself to trust that I can be an excellent mother and partner without a veneer of hair-dos and perkiness?

The rant is over! But, I hope this discussion can begin. Thanks for taking your time to read!